No, facebook is not the word/phrase I absolutely hate. I came here after I'd shut my computer down for the night in tears after making the mistake of logging onto that horrid place, it is 3.oo a.m. after all and I need to wake up in 5 hours or so. But then I thought, who am I kidding I'm not going to sleep so let me blog and continue the topic I started ages ago though I'm not quite sure which of my pet peeves to write about. And then I got here and I'm now writing this, more about my life than was the original idea. I just don't understand this, it was like 2 months of nothing! I have had months with people I saw pretty much daily and came out pretty much unscathed. What was it, like an average of once in 3 weeks. I know this whole thing is supposed to have no rhyme or reason but seriously, a year of thoughts built on nothing??? When did all my common sense go out the window, when did my subconscious start planning and hoping for things behind my back so that when proof that all of that is futile appears on a facebook homepage (top line of course, as soon as I go on because I clicked the wrong link. Isn't life a bitch like that?) I have a mini melt-down and realise all of a sudden that I have been having the conversations we never had in my head without acknowledging them and even though I had quite a few words I had to say about tobacco company style manipulation with honesty and toying with people's emotions and the like, I had always thought that would be said and dealt with and then...and then what? I really couldn't tell you if I tried. So much swirling around in my head right now but I can't seen to get them out and even if I could I don't want it here.
Updates: So it's been a grand old two wheeler time for me this past couple months-ish, I've been hit by a car on a highway (no hurt on me or bike whatsoever though), I had two bikes stolen from my own home at the same time (first major case of theft I've ever experienced, I'm beginning to think it's the only one actually), I am now riding a bike that's too big for my boots because it was a free consolation for losing your bikes from a friend's dad who is over 6 feet tall and just happened to get a new one at the same time. So I know I can adapt to whatever size. Needless to say, I am extremely proud of all these indications of my official entry into the world I deprived myself of for 22 years. So long, so long, Oh God how did I live? I can't go more than a day now without getting the shakes. At this rate I will never get a car, although the issues with carting stuff from folks houses since I've been buying stuff for the new apt from craigslist is beginning to make me think I should get one and just have a rule about using it. Before I take it anywhere I should ask myself, 'Is this something a bike can do even if it hurts, public transit at the very least?' and if the answer's definitely no then I guess I can go off and kill one more tree and another kid from an oil producing country. We are all selfish beings after all, no point fighting it. Just try to keep it to a minimum. I know, I am a little crazy and all over the place. I write a title that suggests I will write about one more of our society's odd sayings, then vomit emotional hurt all over the place without specifics and then I give a cheerful update about biking that ends in the death of plants and children. I assure you you don't want to live in my head, your head would snap from not knowing were to look exactly and yet I walk around cool as cucumber as if my emotions aren't constantly tumbling around and driving me crazy with the noise like trainers and zippered clothing in a dryer. I am thinking vitruvian man right now as the perfect image of that confusion though looking it up now I see that that it's not the image I actually had in my head as I was seeing a picture of multiple heads spinning from one side to the other but actually there's only one head and not as many arms/legs as I thought. I like mine better. I should find the damn bamboo already and make the bloody easel already and paint it without mathematical accuracy of any kind. Infact, I should now stay away from math and science and the sciency geeky types I've been getting my knickers in a twist over so far, they get me nowhere apparently.
Oh my God I am so in love with him/her, we will be together forever: No, that is not what I am feeling right now. I certainly hope not. It's the title above finally kicking in. And of course there's nothing wrong with people being in love it just bothers me when the exact same words are used by the exact same person about once a year or less about very different people. Problem with the world in my eyes; we use too much of the 'in love' and very little of THE LOVE.
THE LOVE: Definition; the act of caring for the random person you have never met before walking towards you on a crosswalk so much so that you risk bodily harm to save them (or at least try) from an oncoming vehicle or a rabid dog or a frisky horse, possibilities are endless. There are many other definitions that may also apply but the unifying theme is that the person in question does not have to look like Johnny Depp or Aishwarya Rai and the Lover does not act with the hope that the Lovee may just be grateful enough to date said Lover someday soon. Instead of looks it could be money as in Bill Gates or Oprah Winfrey. In short, don't be expecting anything back.
And we have too little of this love while people go around calling every erection, vaginal overflow or need to not end up alone 'everlasting love'. I think Valentine's Day is the perfect symbol of this. I went quite a few years hating that day because I knew there was something wrong with randy boys telling me this was the day to drop trou already, and all the disgustingly cliche romantic comedies that everyone seemed to be watching that had nothing at all to do with love (either kind) or the sickening pink everywhere and gifts that seemed to suggest that everyone was exactly the same. Apparently all the girls in the world are clones and all want the exact same things and obviously boys shouldn't need to receive anything (except sex of course) because we all know it's girls that take take take. Of course there were some exceptions but this seems to be the overall theme. So I started up the tradition of watching horror movies to negate all the mindless sappiness (I still continue this in the spirit of my youth but I've since added on a few more meaningful traditions too). But then I began to realise that the saints that are the foundation of this day of love were martyrs, the greatest symbols of THE LOVE as described above. And I knew that the real idea of the day made it one of the best holidays we have but it's been disfigured beyond recognition over the years with our obsession with taking and being constantly in love whether for real or not and if some people didn't try to steer it back towards the course it was originally destined to take then we'll lose a perfectly good idea to Hallmark and Victorian courtly love. Showing love to your spouse is important (or in many cases the random person you hardly know and may even dislike a little bit but had to go out on a date with because you haven't been without a date on Valentine's since you were 12, *sigh* the world and its out of whack priorities) but if you are really a good couple shouldn't they know this every day you are together? Shouldn't you save that one day at least for the people you should love and probably do but just haven't shown that love to in a very long time. The father/mother you haven't spoken to in a month, the friends you haven't done much with since you've been preoccupied with your budding romance, your community, the cause and the people that will benefit from it that you care about but haven't had time for with all the stuff we make ourselves take on... I don't understand it, unless your relationship has real problems there should be no need to make a predetermined day that was not chosen at all by you two the day to lay it on thick like you're trying to prove something to each other, should there? I'm not saying there shouldn't be any of the sappy stuff at all, just should it really be the main and often only focus? So now I have great respect for the day and all I think it could be while still remaining disgusted with what it mostly is and society's straying away from real love (either kind) in its pursuit of mandatory coupledom.
Many have said I am an anti-romantic but I think the reasons they give for this (most of the arguments above) are the same ones that make me think I am really an uber-romantic. I think love, and I mean romantic love this time, is probably this wonderful feeling that should affect every aspect of a lover's life and the very thought of being without this single person should have a devastating effect every single time it pops up. Seriously, near coma every time. I haven't felt it so I know I can not describe it all as should be the case with anything so all-encompassing and life-changing but I feel it should not be something one would be confused about whether it exists or not when it actually is there. And as is with all that is rare and special, chances that folks will get to experience this more than a few times should be near impossible, how could anyone stand to focus such intensity on various targets without going insane? And it really should not be so unlikely that some actually never do feel it. This is not as bad as it may sound to some because how do you miss something you never had? Surely, what you are upset about is the fact that society has a tendency to look down on you because you won't pretend a lame pony is an arabian mare just to fit in. It may not necessarily be once in a lifetime but I tend to become suspicious when I hear those words over and over again from the same person about different people. And I'll tell you a secret I just realised not too long ago, I kinda do think a little part of me has always thought I would like it to be once in a lifetime (for me) if I ever did get to feel it, even if that may be a bit silly according to some. And since I think there should be a basis for comparison before that so that the value of the real thing is so much more obvious, I am glad for the chaps that fall by the wayside and may make me cry for a bit but in no way induce a coma. And if I never get that particular gift then that's okay too though I like to receive gifts as much as anyone else because I know I have received many gifts that others do not have and no one can have it all. No one should, you couldn't carry the lot.
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