Thursday, December 2, 2010

This is the stuff agoraphobia is made of.

Do we all really just hate each other, is that what this is all about? How long before my neighbour kills me because I have different plants in my garden from what he's got and different is equal to bad. And the same kind of thing will be going all over the place at about the same exact time till we're all gone and the rest of the creatures on earth can breathe a great big sigh of relief, 'Geez, I thought they'd never leave, look what they've done to my bark carving bla bla hearts bleh bleh all over it, I bet those two didn't last out the year' 'You're telling me', says the polar bear, 'I'm good enough to join the royal ballet, they way they've made me pirouette away on my little block of ice, the hateful a-holes'.
I'm not sure what it is but there are days when I think everyone around me hates me or at least some one right beside me for one reason or the other and this one is certainly one of them. The last few days actually. Days like this I'm kind of a bitch the way I think. For example, when older people are nice to me, basically those that were past childhood in the 50's, a bit of me wonders if they really don't think of me deep down inside as a thieving negro who should stay in her side of town. I know it's horrible and I feel very guilty on days like this but I still wonder how could people change so much. These days I'd say older people are actually nicer to me than any other group but it just makes me wonder why they didn't all do something when segregation and lynching was going on. In fact who made all those segregation laws and took part in all the lynching, are they really all dead? Is Karma really that efficient?
I was sobbing for an hour straight today, not just tears rolling down my cheeks. My chest hurt and I was making noises like one of those people I always wonder about. Why? I watched 'My name is Khan' and it isn't even all that good. I mean it was good, great sentiments but even while I was crying I still kept saying they are laying it on a bit to thick and 'yeah, right that'll happen' and so on. But I guess with the mood I'm in anything of that nature would make me cry especially when it comes to Islamophobia, which for some reason pisses me off more than anything else. It's really funny how everytime I'm on here I talk about crying, it'll be like I cry all the time but the thing is I really don't. I think once the waterworks come on I feel an urge to come on here which would pretty much mean I've cried about 11 times since March (or was it May I started?) of last year. Which sounds about right. Although, I gotta say this year's been much higher up on the waterwork richter scale than other years, well except my first 6 years of course. Or perhaps not, mum says I was a pretty peaceful baby. I even cried once this year about a boy in front of him and he knew it was about him! And this is from a girl who always thought that if she walked in on her husband (on the off chance that there ends up being one after all) cheating on her, she'd say, 'Oops sorry about interrupting that, carry on, carry on' and then maybe add, 'Btw good job on the 69 guys, looks way comfier than I ever managed'. Then get as far away from that building as possible and THEN cry my heart out if I need to. But apparently not, I turned into vulneralla during that whole fiasco. Oy! Disgusting to think of now.

Crowning moment of day; I go to the bus stop to catch the bus to get to Women Venture about 45 minutes ago and spray painted on the wall is, 'Nothing worse than a bus load full of n*****s'. Once I get home tonight I'll go see if I still have my spray paint can and make use of it. And then I'll stop feeling sorry for my self, actually I need to do that right now and get my smile face on, can't be a downer volunteering at WV. I wish I had more time to vent but I'm in a library because I have been sans computer and I have to catch a bus in 5 minutes. Actually just came in here to wait, saw computers and thought, 'Why not?'.

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