This is the stuff agoraphobia is made of.

Do we all really just hate each other, is that what this is all about? How long before my neighbour kills me because I have different plants in my garden from what he's got and different is equal to bad. And the same kind of thing will be going all over the place at about the same exact time till we're all gone and the rest of the creatures on earth can breathe a great big sigh of relief, 'Geez, I thought they'd never leave, look what they've done to my bark carving bla bla hearts bleh bleh all over it, I bet those two didn't last out the year' 'You're telling me', says the polar bear, 'I'm good enough to join the royal ballet, they way they've made me pirouette away on my little block of ice, the hateful a-holes'.
I'm not sure what it is but there are days when I think everyone around me hates me or at least some one right beside me for one reason or the other and this one is certainly one of them. The last few days actually. Days like this I'm kind of a bitch the way I think. For example, when older people are nice to me, basically those that were past childhood in the 50's, a bit of me wonders if they really don't think of me deep down inside as a thieving negro who should stay in her side of town. I know it's horrible and I feel very guilty on days like this but I still wonder how could people change so much. These days I'd say older people are actually nicer to me than any other group but it just makes me wonder why they didn't all do something when segregation and lynching was going on. In fact who made all those segregation laws and took part in all the lynching, are they really all dead? Is Karma really that efficient?
I was sobbing for an hour straight today, not just tears rolling down my cheeks. My chest hurt and I was making noises like one of those people I always wonder about. Why? I watched 'My name is Khan' and it isn't even all that good. I mean it was good, great sentiments but even while I was crying I still kept saying they are laying it on a bit to thick and 'yeah, right that'll happen' and so on. But I guess with the mood I'm in anything of that nature would make me cry especially when it comes to Islamophobia, which for some reason pisses me off more than anything else. It's really funny how everytime I'm on here I talk about crying, it'll be like I cry all the time but the thing is I really don't. I think once the waterworks come on I feel an urge to come on here which would pretty much mean I've cried about 11 times since March (or was it May I started?) of last year. Which sounds about right. Although, I gotta say this year's been much higher up on the waterwork richter scale than other years, well except my first 6 years of course. Or perhaps not, mum says I was a pretty peaceful baby. I even cried once this year about a boy in front of him and he knew it was about him! And this is from a girl who always thought that if she walked in on her husband (on the off chance that there ends up being one after all) cheating on her, she'd say, 'Oops sorry about interrupting that, carry on, carry on' and then maybe add, 'Btw good job on the 69 guys, looks way comfier than I ever managed'. Then get as far away from that building as possible and THEN cry my heart out if I need to. But apparently not, I turned into vulneralla during that whole fiasco. Oy! Disgusting to think of now.

Crowning moment of day; I go to the bus stop to catch the bus to get to Women Venture about 45 minutes ago and spray painted on the wall is, 'Nothing worse than a bus load full of n*****s'. Once I get home tonight I'll go see if I still have my spray paint can and make use of it. And then I'll stop feeling sorry for my self, actually I need to do that right now and get my smile face on, can't be a downer volunteering at WV. I wish I had more time to vent but I'm in a library because I have been sans computer and I have to catch a bus in 5 minutes. Actually just came in here to wait, saw computers and thought, 'Why not?'.

Short blog, lots in mind but no time so just making a point

The first part of that last blog??? Yes, you are right, that was definitely not me. It was actually all very exciting as my body was temporarily taken over by infatuated 16 year olds from Betelgeusian Zygon. You see, their parents are currently at war with parents from the neighbouring planet, Auroran Vogon and in the process of focusing on war strategy and what not they lost control of their horny youth and that lot found their way to earth. Doesn't take that long really with their super advanced trans-mat system. And that is why you will find that many otherwise level headed earthlings suddenly got a case of the extreme sillies which may have even involved some au de crocodile tears and shaking that is inevitable with two beings inhabiting and fighting for control of a 130 pound body. This becomes even more obvious when you see that the (we'll call them Beezees for short) Beezees look remarkably like a cross between a hippo, a Sontaran and a Borg, nasty looking beasts! They also felt quite proud of their triumph over primitive earthling minds and felt the need to broadcast this case of the sillies through the local means of web communication. Anywho, their parents soon noticed the children had done a runner and realised that those brats were more important than a war with the Auroran Vogons (can't think of cool short form, Awevees?, sounds like R.V.s teehee, which is funny 'cause they do look exactly like winnebagos) for an unlimited supply of Pan Galactic Gargle Blasters and Jynnan Tonnyx (known as booze that will definitely kill you someday around these parts) and called a cease fire to get their kids back in check. Which is definitely wise, think what those kids would get up to with an unlimited supply of booze. I wonder what the Auroran Vogon teens got up to while their parents were away fighting for the most ignoble cause ever? Another story for another day?

So there you go. I would delete all of that but I'm oddly proud of my other worldly experience and deleting defeats the purpose of this whole thing. Even though they weren't technically my thoughts. The other parts were all me though, the teens only ran amuck for about 20 minutes.

When I wrote the title I had really planned to wave away all of that and blame it on lack of sleep, not sure where all of that came from. Maybe a suppressed memory? Hmmmmmmm

It's back! I love ginger, all things ginger. Ginger root, ginger cake, gingerbread, ginger cookies, ginger candies from United Noodles, ginger beer, ginger wine, ginger ice cream from Sebastian Joe's, Ron Weasley, Seth Green, the very very red headed boy that probably had no melanin whatsoever that boarded the 7E yesterday, that one boy in my history class last year, or was it the year before?, Berbers of North Africa, The Scots and Irish. Ginger, ginger, ginger!!!!!

Words and phrases I absolutely loathe 3

God, I hate facebook! It's a simmering hatred that has been bubbling up since I was forced into joining the stupid thing four years ago, and now I'm crying and shaking and it's all because fucking Zuckerberg won't let people in the past stay in the past.

No, facebook is not the word/phrase I absolutely hate. I came here after I'd shut my computer down for the night in tears after making the mistake of logging onto that horrid place, it is 3.oo a.m. after all and I need to wake up in 5 hours or so. But then I thought, who am I kidding I'm not going to sleep so let me blog and continue the topic I started ages ago though I'm not quite sure which of my pet peeves to write about. And then I got here and I'm now writing this, more about my life than was the original idea. I just don't understand this, it was like 2 months of nothing! I have had months with people I saw pretty much daily and came out pretty much unscathed. What was it, like an average of once in 3 weeks. I know this whole thing is supposed to have no rhyme or reason but seriously, a year of thoughts built on nothing??? When did all my common sense go out the window, when did my subconscious start planning and hoping for things behind my back so that when proof that all of that is futile appears on a facebook homepage (top line of course, as soon as I go on because I clicked the wrong link. Isn't life a bitch like that?) I have a mini melt-down and realise all of a sudden that I have been having the conversations we never had in my head without acknowledging them and even though I had quite a few words I had to say about tobacco company style manipulation with honesty and toying with people's emotions and the like, I had always thought that would be said and dealt with and then...and then what? I really couldn't tell you if I tried. So much swirling around in my head right now but I can't seen to get them out and even if I could I don't want it here.

Updates: So it's been a grand old two wheeler time for me this past couple months-ish, I've been hit by a car on a highway (no hurt on me or bike whatsoever though), I had two bikes stolen from my own home at the same time (first major case of theft I've ever experienced, I'm beginning to think it's the only one actually), I am now riding a bike that's too big for my boots because it was a free consolation for losing your bikes from a friend's dad who is over 6 feet tall and just happened to get a new one at the same time. So I know I can adapt to whatever size. Needless to say, I am extremely proud of all these indications of my official entry into the world I deprived myself of for 22 years. So long, so long, Oh God how did I live? I can't go more than a day now without getting the shakes. At this rate I will never get a car, although the issues with carting stuff from folks houses since I've been buying stuff for the new apt from craigslist is beginning to make me think I should get one and just have a rule about using it. Before I take it anywhere I should ask myself, 'Is this something a bike can do even if it hurts, public transit at the very least?' and if the answer's definitely no then I guess I can go off and kill one more tree and another kid from an oil producing country. We are all selfish beings after all, no point fighting it. Just try to keep it to a minimum. I know, I am a little crazy and all over the place. I write a title that suggests I will write about one more of our society's odd sayings, then vomit emotional hurt all over the place without specifics and then I give a cheerful update about biking that ends in the death of plants and children. I assure you you don't want to live in my head, your head would snap from not knowing were to look exactly and yet I walk around cool as cucumber as if my emotions aren't constantly tumbling around and driving me crazy with the noise like trainers and zippered clothing in a dryer. I am thinking vitruvian man right now as the perfect image of that confusion though looking it up now I see that that it's not the image I actually had in my head as I was seeing a picture of multiple heads spinning from one side to the other but actually there's only one head and not as many arms/legs as I thought. I like mine better. I should find the damn bamboo already and make the bloody easel already and paint it without mathematical accuracy of any kind. Infact, I should now stay away from math and science and the sciency geeky types I've been getting my knickers in a twist over so far, they get me nowhere apparently.

Oh my God I am so in love with him/her, we will be together forever: No, that is not what I am feeling right now. I certainly hope not. It's the title above finally kicking in. And of course there's nothing wrong with people being in love it just bothers me when the exact same words are used by the exact same person about once a year or less about very different people. Problem with the world in my eyes; we use too much of the 'in love' and very little of THE LOVE.

THE LOVE: Definition; the act of caring for the random person you have never met before walking towards you on a crosswalk so much so that you risk bodily harm to save them (or at least try) from an oncoming vehicle or a rabid dog or a frisky horse, possibilities are endless. There are many other definitions that may also apply but the unifying theme is that the person in question does not have to look like Johnny Depp or Aishwarya Rai and the Lover does not act with the hope that the Lovee may just be grateful enough to date said Lover someday soon. Instead of looks it could be money as in Bill Gates or Oprah Winfrey. In short, don't be expecting anything back.

And we have too little of this love while people go around calling every erection, vaginal overflow or need to not end up alone 'everlasting love'. I think Valentine's Day is the perfect symbol of this. I went quite a few years hating that day because I knew there was something wrong with randy boys telling me this was the day to drop trou already, and all the disgustingly cliche romantic comedies that everyone seemed to be watching that had nothing at all to do with love (either kind) or the sickening pink everywhere and gifts that seemed to suggest that everyone was exactly the same. Apparently all the girls in the world are clones and all want the exact same things and obviously boys shouldn't need to receive anything (except sex of course) because we all know it's girls that take take take. Of course there were some exceptions but this seems to be the overall theme. So I started up the tradition of watching horror movies to negate all the mindless sappiness (I still continue this in the spirit of my youth but I've since added on a few more meaningful traditions too). But then I began to realise that the saints that are the foundation of this day of love were martyrs, the greatest symbols of THE LOVE as described above. And I knew that the real idea of the day made it one of the best holidays we have but it's been disfigured beyond recognition over the years with our obsession with taking and being constantly in love whether for real or not and if some people didn't try to steer it back towards the course it was originally destined to take then we'll lose a perfectly good idea to Hallmark and Victorian courtly love. Showing love to your spouse is important (or in many cases the random person you hardly know and may even dislike a little bit but had to go out on a date with because you haven't been without a date on Valentine's since you were 12, *sigh* the world and its out of whack priorities) but if you are really a good couple shouldn't they know this every day you are together? Shouldn't you save that one day at least for the people you should love and probably do but just haven't shown that love to in a very long time. The father/mother you haven't spoken to in a month, the friends you haven't done much with since you've been preoccupied with your budding romance, your community, the cause and the people that will benefit from it that you care about but haven't had time for with all the stuff we make ourselves take on... I don't understand it, unless your relationship has real problems there should be no need to make a predetermined day that was not chosen at all by you two the day to lay it on thick like you're trying to prove something to each other, should there? I'm not saying there shouldn't be any of the sappy stuff at all, just should it really be the main and often only focus? So now I have great respect for the day and all I think it could be while still remaining disgusted with what it mostly is and society's straying away from real love (either kind) in its pursuit of mandatory coupledom.

Many have said I am an anti-romantic but I think the reasons they give for this (most of the arguments above) are the same ones that make me think I am really an uber-romantic. I think love, and I mean romantic love this time, is probably this wonderful feeling that should affect every aspect of a lover's life and the very thought of being without this single person should have a devastating effect every single time it pops up. Seriously, near coma every time. I haven't felt it so I know I can not describe it all as should be the case with anything so all-encompassing and life-changing but I feel it should not be something one would be confused about whether it exists or not when it actually is there. And as is with all that is rare and special, chances that folks will get to experience this more than a few times should be near impossible, how could anyone stand to focus such intensity on various targets without going insane? And it really should not be so unlikely that some actually never do feel it. This is not as bad as it may sound to some because how do you miss something you never had? Surely, what you are upset about is the fact that society has a tendency to look down on you because you won't pretend a lame pony is an arabian mare just to fit in. It may not necessarily be once in a lifetime but I tend to become suspicious when I hear those words over and over again from the same person about different people. And I'll tell you a secret I just realised not too long ago, I kinda do think a little part of me has always thought I would like it to be once in a lifetime (for me) if I ever did get to feel it, even if that may be a bit silly according to some. And since I think there should be a basis for comparison before that so that the value of the real thing is so much more obvious, I am glad for the chaps that fall by the wayside and may make me cry for a bit but in no way induce a coma. And if I never get that particular gift then that's okay too though I like to receive gifts as much as anyone else because I know I have received many gifts that others do not have and no one can have it all. No one should, you couldn't carry the lot.

Pedalling and shit.

I've been very happy over the past week, okay I think it's kinda worn out over the past few days as I've been a bit sad. Which is probably why I'm writing this because reliving may be just as good as actually doing, almost. I can't believe I'm going to write this because though I'm really proud of it, it's also pretty embarrassing and I didn't think I'd want to tell anyone though I'm thinking of having a plaque highlighting 08/01/2010 made. Just kidding, am I? dunno, should I?, maybe if it's cheap, pretty silly though, is it really though? hmmmmm...And this has been another episode of forever contemplating, never decision-making in the much frustrated brain of moi-na, I hear my gray matter's planning a strike soon. Don't blame 'em, I'll even help make placards.

So I can explain this whole thing in one sentence, but of course I won't. Do you know me at all? Instead I will go back about 20 years and start there, especially because I think some background may make it a bit less embarrassing. Although, this isn't really making it public at all 'cause this blog's really just for my pleasure and I never talk about it so that's probably why I can do this without really worrying. So back to story, I had a normal childhood with lots of toys, dolls too for a bit until my mum stopped buying those supposedly because she watched Chuckie or something. May have been upset about that back then but now I'm glad I didn't have to spend anymore time with those anatomically disproportionate, literally air-head blonde bombshells. Amongst my other toys were pretty good tricycles, usually Fisher-price, so I know my parents cared for my cycling health at some point in my life. I know I had a couple of these tricycles and a bike with training wheels because every time we moved somewhere new, we would give away one of these babies to make space.

All of this talk is meant to show that I can see absolutely no reason why there was a sudden decline in this care for my cycling ability and the resulting mini depression caused by passing cyclists I had to carry around for years and years. If you do not get this from the annoying long sentence above, here it is; I did not learn to ride a bike like a normal child. I guess I can be fair and acknowledge possible reasons though I've never really asked mum and dad why. Perhaps I had the tricycles and training wheels when we lived in the duplex where we had a large yard and there was space to bike around. And then, dad's company bought those blocks of flats in that estate and we moved there because we could live there for free (or more accurately, for my dad's hours and the travelling and the moving him away from us) and though the flat itself was nice, there was not much space anymore and mum didn't feel as comfortable with letting us go about outside because she's over-protective like that. That probably stunted my cycling development more than anything else though I didn't help myself either. I remember my best friend responding to my complaints and shame about not being able to ride a bike when I was probably 8/9. She wanted to take me out on her bike and teach me to ride despite knowing I could very well crash her new shiny bike which makes her the hero of my childhood. I wish that story ends with 'and then I learnt to bike' but instead I painfully remember stupid me saying I would be extremely ashamed if any of our other friends happened to see all of that going on. Yes, yes, yes, I am currently banging my head though I'm doing that against the sofa and not a wall so probably not getting as much pain as I deserve.

I lived in Nigeria for 15 years and though it seemed most children learned to ride a bike early enough, (I say seemed because I also realise now that I came from an urban middle class family and pretty much only hung around people of this group and I have also only visited 3 states out of 36 not including road trip state drive-bys, so there is still so much I have to learn) very few people ride bikes past their teenage years which I've always thought is a very stupid thing. It has always seemed obvious to me that oil is currently the cause of most of the troubles of the world and since this oil is needed for cars I have been somewhat wary of them. This is why I still don't have one though my parents have tried to get me to officially get my license and get one since my freshman year and I'm running out of excuses. But I would think Nigerians would be aware of the troubles of oil more than most people and embrace bicycles to begin the process of cutting the oil ties. However, when the roads aren't particularly bike-friendly what can you do. Or are they not bike friendly mainly because there is no demand, classic chicken and egg dilemma! Anywho, while I always I hated that I couldn't ride, I wasn't constantly being taunted by passing riders so I could push down that need for a bit though I always knew I would love biking based on everything else I like to do and its statement against oil dependence.

Then I moved to London, Wembley precisely, and though there were more bikers and I had much more acute feelings of regret and wishing I could be comfortable enough with someone to tell them and let them teach me without feeling mortified, there really weren't that many compared to what I would experience later. I hear Wembley's changed now with the housing development and the new (not so new now) stadium so it may have changed on that score too as the mix of people could have also change to folks more aware of the overarching results of their transport decisions. But back then, not so much. And then I moved to Minneapolis and one of the reasons why I have sooooooo much love for this city is the same one that has caused me lots of distress. I don't have to try and describe it, look at the rankings and you'll see Minneapolis' biking rankings in the U.S. and the world. I guess I should be glad I didn't go to the Nederlands, actually I put off going even though almost all my dutch classmates visited at some point during our course probably partly because I wanted to learn first. Can't go to the Nederlands without riding a bike, geez! My first spring here in 2007 was utterly miserable on that score, they all came out of the woodwork, whizzing past me and leaving eyes filled with jealousy and wonder in their wake. How sad, wonder at an act that kids learn before they turn 5 *shakes head*. But summer classes started soon and that got my mind off things, same thing the next year and the next. It's really disgraceful to think how long I just let myself feel sad about it without doing anything. Of course, as these things usually work out, bikers gravitate towards each other and the same for the other people so pretty much all of the friends I made ended up being people who never got on bikes as far as I could see. And I'm pretty sure a few potentially great friendships went off the tracks partly because the transport systems didn't match. But this all meant that even if I could talk about the fact that I couldn't bike, most of the folks I knew weren't really into it anyway.

This summer I didn't take classes, I got done with classes last December so there was time I'd never had before and as should be the case I made lots of summer plans. Getting a bike and teaching myself to ride it was numero uno, as I had come to realise just before this spring that I didn't really need a teacher from good old www. I joined pretty much every biking blog I could find to get tips and I soon knew about pretty much every bike related thing going on in the cities and beyond. I soon realised how expensive bikes are and started looking on craigslist and found that even those were pretty steep. See, I'm interning this summer and since I'm not paid I've been pretty darn broke arse. Sometime in about June, I think, I found this beat up bike on there for 15 bucks and I got it though the guy who sold it to me couldn't understand why I'd want it and to stop the weird looks and questions I said I needed it for parts, ahhhhh loona muna. I figured learning would involve quite a bit of falling so why buy a good one until I learned to ride. And then comes my stupidity that kept me from riding for about two months.

Segue: I can't believe I still haven't gotten to the happy part, I'm getting tired now and I talk too much.

I still hadn't gotten over the unreasonable need to not let anyone know I couldn't bike that included going off to public parks and falling about, an image my mind completed with groups of guffawing teenage boys, giggling girls and smirking kids. Also an middle aged lady who means well coming up to me and saying, 'Oh you poor sweetie, you had to grow up without a family, didn't you?' Silly, I know, this is why my brain cells are going on strike. Even sillier, I decided to try and wake up at about 5 a.m., go out to a park and learn to ride with the pedals off and everything like the online tips said. But of course I never woke up that early, this is often sleeps till noon Muna we're talking about here after all. And then I lost my mind and decided to move the furniture in my apartment to one side and practice at home when Cherry wasn't about. I don't need to tell you that that didn't work and if I should be ashamed by any of all this, that should be it to the ninth degree (by the way I live in the tiniest apartment to fully prove to you my intense dumbability on this score). Went temporarily out of my mind one more time and when both went hopelessly wrong I decided I got a bike that couldn't be ridden and that was probably the problem. But then if you remember update 3 in my last post, Minneapolis got a bike renting service. You may also remember I said I didn't have a bike, I had convinced myself I pretty much didn't. Well, I rented the bike and did the screws-loose apartment thing for a bit and then decided to brave the back yard of my building since I feel like the other folks that should live in our building are never here. That was a fairly good move with no results since I tried for about an hour and got nowhere. However, I was also super conscious of all the people my crazy brain had convinced me were lurking behind their curtains laughing their heads off, so that didn't help.

Then I gave up for a bit, stopped reading bike blogs and everything. Then out of the blue on the 30/31st July that was all I could think about. I'm not sure why, maybe I walked past a particularly skilled biker, maybe I was mad at myself for spending my summer and especially that past week thinking about him like an idiot, maybe it was because I'd decided to try out a new run route earlier that week and I'd noticed St Anthony Park was pretty hilly and fairly lonely. I don't know, whatever it was thank God for it because I took that crappy Walmart Magna bike to St. Anthony Park on Sunday 08/01/2010 even though I had woken up at 8.00 instead of 6 like I had planned and I had thought there would be lots of people about. There were a couple walkers while I struggled to stay on that bike and though I probably would have painfully blushed if I was paler and may have unfairly sworn at them to myself, I kept at it and was cycling around on the grass after just two or so failed attempts going down a hill. So easy didn't fall once(there was tree hitting of course and my poor vulva's still recovering from all the impact from the saddle but I was never horizontal during that hour at least), all these years, so easy and the best feeling ever. I don't know if I should hate me for depriving myself of all those years of glorious biking or feel fortunate I can be thankful for being able to ride in a way no 5 year old could possibly feel and all on my own. That's probably what I'm most proud of, did it completely on my own and without doing the whole pedal off stuff and what not that was supposed to 'ease' me into it, would have been a waste of time and besides that bikes so crusted I don't think it would have come off without extra parts if I tried. I was riding about at quite a fast pace in a bit and though it seemed a bit harder to move onto pavement, I think that just needed getting used to after the grass and that soon became a cinch as well. All this in an hour because I had to get in the shower by 9 and catch a bus by 10, maybe the best hour of my life? The minute I got back home, I was right out and kept at it for over 4 hours. I started taking risks then and that's when I first fell and got most of the wounds and bumps I have now including one I'm getting a bit worried about. But no matter,if I die I'll die a bike rider and that's worth it lol. There was the first fall trying to go up the steep bridge on 5th street, the other side of Central towards Northeast, and then the potentially dangerous bit were I was going down the hill on that same bridge at an insanely high speed towards cars and being too afraid to press the brake because of something I'd read that suggested a possible somersault when a biker hits the brake when going too fast. I know now that I'd misread that but I didn't hit the brake and instead stopped by trying to crash into the walls of 'I like you' which should have given me so many more cuts but just gave me a few on my legs and three massive ones on my left palm which I have nicknamed Cedar, Lake of the Isles and Calhoun because of the way they curve about the bottom of my palm. I was pretty sure I'd stop after this, but no I got back when I got to 5th St and 2nd Ave and on the road no less! Not very smart but I thought I could actually go over the bridge that goes over 35W the same day I started biking. Needless to say I couldn't go up the steep bit, then I thought I'd at least go down that bit and then promptly crashed into the fence. Some guy walking his dog about a block away thought I was probably near death and I had to shout 'I'm okay' to him about a million times. Good times :) Fortunately I wore my helmet or it'd be a different story and I really only got the bump on my shin, the bruise and worrying bit farther up but I'll take care of that later. I haven't had any falls/accidents since and I have taken a new step every day this month (except Sat/Sun, very busy fun albeit sunny days y'all). Here's a timeline and I'll try to make it short, it's past 12, I'm sleepy and the heat's beginning to make me itch and scratch like a crazy person. I have all these heat rashes, the sun is fucking annoying these days, though even with today's glorious thunder storms my apartment still won't budge with the heat.

Monday - Couldn't wait to get back from work, took the trail up and down the street by St Anthony, then got on the roads going between St Anthony and Logan Park, tons of times, off sidewalk.

Tuesday - Couldn't wait to get back from work. Did Stonearch bridge! Was really excited for that and it was pretty awesome though I need to do it again soon now I'm much better since I couldn't really look at the Mississippi while focusing on not wobbling or weaving about. Luckily, it was a muggy day and there weren't tons of people. Went down the heritage trail past Nicollet Island and then rode back home. I think I crossed University and 4th though I still haven't rode on them off side-walk, should do that tomorrow.

Wednesday - Couldn't wait to get back from work. Awesome day! Decided to take bike to the Quarry for my first transport trip but I forgot to take any money so it wasn't technically that but no matter, I remembered the diagonal trail started on the other side of the Quarry and I rode that to the end. Then did the scenic route coming back, cycling in the memorial parks (Park of eternal peace, I think it's called, is pretty eerie with no one there. In a good way though), the golf course (don't know if I should have been there but whatever, I added on a new peaceful sitting place by the geyser). Got in conversation about biking with nice biking couple and then I told then I hoped it would rain because it looked like it wouldn't start for an hour and I'd be safe at home and the night weather would be cool. But my prayers were answered a bit too early and the downpour started about 5 minutes after I said that so I got completely drenched, got off the bike for the worst of it but I biked in the rain!!! So I'm glad for answered prayers.

Thursday - My long work day so wasn't going to be a big bike day. Only biked for an hour + but it was past 10 so my first night bike ride, may have been not so sensible since I don't have lights but whatever, I didn't die. I also rode in a skirt for the first time, I don't know about it, people may have been entertained by my underwear.

Friday - First transport trip, extremely short. Had to leave for Duluth at 9 so I thought I'd take the bike to the bank to withdraw cash just to get some biking in for the day. Duluth was beautiful though, would have loved to bike the Leif Erikson Park and Lake walk. AND I wondered the whole ride over why I didn't see a single biker on the road to Duluth. The on-road trail (at least that's what they look like to me) looked really wide to me and it was a really beautiful day. Seemed totally doable to me, I want to do it next year.

Sad days for biking Sat/Sun, tried but was hardly at home and since I don't have a bike lock yet can't really take bike for outings yet.

Monday - Shopping trips, couldn't really bike back with the bags though. Need basket.

Tuesday is today - Rode to bank, kinda boring. Got period so....

So there it is, that's why I'm so happy and I think I succeeded in getting myself in a good mood again. I'll just read this whenever I need a pick-me-up.

Plus I suddenly have all these people to bike with, I'd told Kel this spring how much I wanted to bike and that I was jealous of the bikers this spring though not that I couldn't bike. And she suggested we do the Minneapolis bike race on September 19th so I'm doing that and I was really surprised she did because I'd never seen her on a bike or talked about biking with her before then. Then I've got plans to do the Hiawatha trail with a few other people to Fort Snelling/The Mall and a few more trails. I love that I had the week to bond with myself and learn on my own terms but now, bring on the buddy biking! And I don't even care that I don't get to bike with him, okay maybe that's a bit of a lie but if anything's gotten all of that off my brain, this is it.

I buy a new bike this weekend but I think I'll always love crappy Walmart Magna, and I see now there's a reason first bikes are small. How am I going to keep lugging that thing around with me as I move houses in the name of endearment?

I love biking!!!!!!!! and Minneapolis!!!

O.D.ing on exclamation marks, want to throw up a little but it seems necessary.

This will be very pointless, probably a bit shallow; I'm uninspired and tired. But that's alright, tallies with the blog name that I should have summa that. Following the general idea of the last post, I feel like writing but not on any particularly deep topics so I'm just typing as it comes up. Also, updates on what's changed since I last rambled on (this reminds of a question; Why is it so hard sometimes to keep the preposition from the end of the sentence).

Update 1: So the jewelery ad is down, RESULT! Apparently the evil eye works, I like to think the signboard started melting and they had to put up a new one. Or maybe the power of my evil eye and negative thoughts is even more effective and j.b. hudson (I think it was) went bankrupt. I should go check that out. Or even better than all the above, women are brilliantly clever like I always suspected and could see through the shitty bullcrap and the insult that that ad campaign was and decided no more jewelery, or at least switched to Jared or something. Of course, the new board has something about pop culture and gossip and what not so not exactly a large step for mankind.

Update 2: I still haven't gone skydiving.

Update 3: I still don't have a bike, but Minneapolis has nice bike now, nice!!! Now for that other thing.

Update 4: Drum class this Saturday, boo frigging yah!!! I may not have to walk around with bottles molesting my thighs anymore or chip away at tables trying to keep a beat. Or maybe I'll do that even more... Anywho, so I found a beautiful, beautiful thing and it's called the Women's Drum Centre (thank you so much Cynthia!), when I decided to join as many orgs with strong women in the lead as I could I had no idea it would be so easy, Women Venture, Chrysalis, now strong women AND drumming, so excited. So my life long dream (or half-life long dream) has been to learn bass drums and they sadly don't have classes until July but I'm so excited to get involved that I've decided to go for a traditional drumming class this Saturday, afro-latin and the like. And not to be immodest or anything but I've always been able to keep a beat on a table, not the same thing but let's just say I do not expect to be lagging behind. Fingers crossed.

I think that's it for updates, I think update 1 was way longer than it needed to be.

I just saw the Rosie the Riveter 'We can do it' poster and it's made me want to talk about how much I don't like that poster. I get it, the first time women really got out into the workplace and all and probably laid the foundation for breaking through the glass ceiling (still a work in progress) was during the war. But to me it was not so much women's decision to go out into the workplace and take over 'male jobs'. The government knew the economy would be screwed with the men gone and no one to work in factories and all and I think the whole campaign was not so much about female empowerment but more of a 'what to do, what to do, we are going to be royally screwed, oh wait maybe those women are better than nothing at all...for a little while at least'. This would be why as soon as the men got back, women were pushed right pack to the kitchen. Of course, the pushing wasn't always successful but still in my mind that icon is more one of exploitation than feminism. Am I totally crazy? This is relevant because I really want a feminist poster that speaks to me that I can get framed and anytime I do a search I come up with Rosie the Riveter. Even if it doesn't have the whole WWII history, I don't even think I'd want it 'cause it's just way too common.

Here's some major superficial talk; God, I love the world cup and I really do like football for the game, the spectacular goals, dribbling and keeping possession of the ball even with multiple players from the opposite team on the offense, headers, re-acquaintance with countries I forgot about over the past four years although the Olympics is probably better at including the really obscure ones since there's no need to qualify.... But I have to say that a major pull lies in the existence of all that gorgeous man-meat because football players are smoking. Oh my effing God, Kaka and actually pretty much the entire Brazilian team, Ashley-Cole, those Greek gods that sadly can't play football even if the alternative includes dragons and dungeons, Ronaldo, despite my Beckham boycott he did look pretty scrumdiddlyumptious in that suit, Gourcuff, Marchisio, Carsillas, definitely not Wayne Rooney. In a nut shell World Cup season is making me very hot, I should stay away from boys haha.

phwoar, yowza, hummuna hummuna. You may talk dirty in French to me anytime, Gourcoff lol.

Moving on, to books. I'm just coming off of a run of reading books that I could hardly put down and looked forward to bus rides 'cause that's the main chance I get to read. However, so far 'Far from the madding crowd' does not fit the bill and I've been feeling kinda lost with no book to look forward to finishing. I've got 'Eragon' but I don't think that'll be much better 'cause everyone says it's pretty bad and I'm just curious about what a 12 year old (or was it 16) could possibly write. 'Flowers in the Attic' will be way too depressing and I don't need that now, I'm already kinda blue. I think I know why. Anywho, I think on Sunday I should spend the day at Barnes and Noble/Borders and read first few chapters until I find one to be passionate about, preferably a series of books. Or maybe it'll be better to go to one of the smaller, independent bookstores, still haven't been to the one at University and 8th. Just don't know if the smaller folks are generally okay with just sitting and reading, they already hardly have any space as it is.

Why are cartoons on at 4.00 a.m., what kids are watching and where are their parents? And I know some cartoons are adult-friendly, preaching to the choir 'cause I've been hoping I could spend a whole lazy day watching Voltron, Ninja Turtles and Power Rangers for a while now, just need to find 'em. But I'm pretty sure no adults are watching Ni Hao Kai Lan so why is it on?

I have no moccasins anymore, I just realised that the other day and it's not funny at all.

I have a feeling I'll be wearing more skirts this summer, maybe even dresses *gasp*. I just noticed in the past couple weeks that when I wore my blue skirt/purple skirt that it felt kinda right which is a deviation from my usual discomfort. Still will always be a jean girl though and shiny will always suck.

Tired of this, may edit later. Though when I say tired I definitely mean for now 'cause I love this whole documenting my random thoughts as they come back and then going back to see what's changed, I'll continue.

Random thoughts causing distress and sprinklings of bucket list reminders

This will be disordered like my mind....a view into my mind, sorry about it.

Every time a cyclist rides past me my heart bleeds a little, spring has sprung so I wonder how I have any heart left. It's probably worse this year than any other, maybe 'cause I don't have classes and have more time to brood. Why, oh parental units, why? And why proud nine year old me, why???

The jewelery ad on Central ave and 5th is taunting me and one of these days I may commit my first really illegal act when I go up there and tear it down. How can women stand being continually cheapened with stupid ads that say the only reason you may be upset with your partner is basically 'cause he hasn't bought you any jewelery.

I have decided I am transportation-ally challenged and by 30 I must learn to ride them all, skateboards to planes and all the embarrassing ones in between. Haha, we'll see. Oh, procrastination please let me be, we've had a good run and can now path ways. I'm so tired of being all passion and longing, no action.

When I'm having one of my leisurely walks and I sing even though I have no earphones on (that can be seen mwahahaha) or I have an empty bottle and practice drumming on my thighs or palm, do people think I have a screw or two loose? Or does everyone do this and I just fail to notice 'cause I'm too self-absorbed?

It's been months, stop it you don't stand a chance!

I hate these stupid scars, will they ever not be there?

If I paid monthly for Rhapsody, World of Warcraft, Corepower Yoga, *there's more I can't remember right now* on a scale from 1-10 how stupid would I be?

Where can I find an easel that's not $30+, it's not like I feel like I'm an artist or anything I'd just like to let out stuff. Maybe I should make one, but how would I go about it? Google!!!

I really am past due for a 2 week/month long facebook embargo.

I'm frigging tired of feeling like Dupree in my own apartment, am I being unreasonable to expect that it'll be a bit more half and half. After all, I hear the other apartment is much bigger than this one so wouldn't it make sense to stay there more???

I'm thoroughly ashamed of the way I've handled this skydiving thing. Before college it was to be one of the first things I had to do. I had signed up to join the skydiving club at Exeter U then I changed my mind and came here. No club but lots of places to jump. Decided to ignore the fact that tandem equipment aren't regulated by the USPA unlike AFF equipment and jump tandem rather than AFF 'cause it's cheaper and would take less time so I have less of an excuse. Then February birthday '09 was when it was for sure going to happen and I told pretty much everyone and got other people to say they'd jump with to make sure it did. Then Beth told me it'd be wiser to jump in the spring/summer which made sense to me. But alas, it is now April 2010 and I've been planning this for over four freaking years!! The annoying thing is I'm really not at all scared when I think about it, it's the stupid money and my stupid procrastination problem. Yet another thing that has still not happened.

Stop it Muna you're not that girl, even when I was 16 I was not that girl. I was the one who told other girls that teenagers couldn't fall in love and they were just being silly infatuated beings (I had obviously not yet developed the art of diplomacy, any wonder why most of my friends were boys back then and I was miserable at a girls' boarding school). What is wrong with me!?!

When I say I'm not sure I want to marry, have kids etc. do I think that for me or am I trying to negate society's idea of what I should be. 'Cause if it's the latter, I am still letting society control me.

Will i ever take to something as soon as I start learning, have the teacher say I'm a natural and then proceed to be the best at it. Will I, Will I? 'Cause I'd like to, just one thing. I promise not to be cocky, it's not in me. Or maybe it's not been in me so far 'cause I've never been the best at anything hmmmm? Also, could that thing be bass drums pretty please.

Will anyone ever completely get me? Will I ever let anyone completely get me?

I would really like to go climb something, it's been too long.

I would really like to drink something sweet, I wonder what's in my fridge.

Words and Phrases I absolutely loathe 2

So you know how I thought I was exaggerating when I said it would probably take me six months to continue this topic from July 26th, it turns out my procrastination abilities are actually much higher up at 8 months. And it's not just blogs, my whole life is one big procrastinating mess. Sad Panda. Anywho, so I was actually spurred on to write this because I just came from a panel where I asked a question which I feel I didn't really word properly and now different things I could have said are swirling around in my head. I've always been better at talking on paper(keyboard) and besides the panel was chaired by the women of feministing.com so what better incentive to blog, right? Anyway I'll begin and hope I'm not too lazy to go beyond the one topic;

'A man should never hit a woman': I know, I know, don't start rioting in the streets quite yet. I should probably have this under another list called 'words and phrases that seem to have an underlying meaning that bother me quite a bit' but I really don't need yet another list that I have to finish. Alright Muna better explain yourself before you get your head bashed in by women that think you are betraying your lot and inadequate men point to your words as a sanction to go on a women bashing spree. Alright, many issues are important to me and of all the things that keep me from going to bed right after I hit the pillow at night domestic violence is definitely high up there. We all know it is a problem and the fact that it is very wrong is one thing everyone agrees upon (or at least pretends to) from republican to democrat, libdem to tory, feminist to 'traditional family' voltron (geddit?, as in defender of the universe so defender of the traditional family/gender roles). And the issues involved with domestic violence are definitely way more important than the issues I'm taking my sweet time to raise here, but the fact that there is a hierarchy of opinions does not mean that I should pay attention to some and completely ignore the others. Now I will finally come to the point; here's the deal, I think of the implications those words have on the women ever competing against men they are quite obviously capable of taking in any physical capacity and it just makes me a bit sad (somewhat related case in point still fresh in our minds:Lindsey Van). I used this example when I was at the panel thingy but think of a girl in a karate class, maybe it's all boys, she's a black belt and she is partnered with *I don't really remember my karate ranking belts so if I'm wrong don't laugh* some guy that's a white/yellow, whatever belt and he goes 'My mother taught me to never hit a girl so there's no way I'm going to fight a girl'. A couple things here, first I can imagine that the whole scene would be pretty embarassing for the poor girl especially if she ends up passing the class and the boys are all, 'well they had to let her through, none of the boys would fight her. She's not really as good as her belt says 'cause the rules are different for girls'. Second, you know the reason he doesn't want to fight her is not because of any deeply ingrained respect for women; 'You were beat by a girl' are probably the words of the soundtrack to the nightmares of all the macho freakshows out there and we all know that it is this fear that kept him back because !holy crap!, he just saw her break that pretty thick slab of brick with her bare hands and when she thoroughly whips his ass and he proceeds to cry there'll be two macho no-nos he'll have to deal with being teased about. Now I know that I'm against violence and a possible question is why the hell do I even want girls beating up boys, a bit double standardy, don't you think? Well, nothing would make me happier than having no one hit anyone else from this moment on and the big catchphrase morphs to, 'people should never hit other people'. My problem is with the above statement and the fact that while it makes sense to much of my mind, I still feel a wee bit weaker anytime I hear it. We women do not need to be any weaker than we already are and the fact is as a whole we are weaker than men. Not based on biology as far as I know, even if there is some nature to do with it I'm pretty sure the difference is not nearly as much as we see today. It's simple really, when one sex group is told from the get go that they are supposed to work out to get bigger muscles and thus strength while the other sex is supposed to be careful to only get those abs tight and bikini beautiful and make sure not to go too far for fear of looking too 'manly' and “No boy's gonna want to go out with a girl who's got bigger muscles than 'im" (b.i.l.b!) And then other things like, personal example; in most ways my parents have treated me and my brother equally but the one thing that my mum always did which I believe is not exclusive to her was have my brother carry stuff 'cause he's the boy and should even though he's like 4 years younger, just think of all the muscle building he got to do while my own biceps just lay there gradually wasting away and getting all emo because the poor things weren't getting any attention. Well, of course boys eventually get stronger and let's not even begin to consider all the girls who play down how strong they are especially when love interest comes around and suddenly Miss 'I can carry all the grocery bags in one go, no problem' goes all 'one bag way too heavy, look broke nail *sob*'. Stroke his ego, get shiny bauble = everyone wins. (Note however that even though boys may be stronger as a whole, lots of girls are actually stronger than some boys which the folks on crime dramas like criminal minds don't seem to think is possible with their 'Unsub is definitely male because this murder requires strength and all women are vegetables') But the fighting and competing bit is not even the point. What, you say, all this blah blah blah and you haven't even reached the point? I think all this writing has helped me realise that I don't talk nearly as much in person because seriously who wants to listen to all this and once I pop I really can't stop. Anywho, the point is I probably don't care that much about the girls not getting to fight boys when they want to, it's the way this mindset has filtered into pretty much every other aspect of society. How? Well, here's a little game a play to amuse myself sometimes. There's a boy walking to a door while I walk towards same door. I walk a bit quicker and put myself in a position where it would make sense to open the door and let him go through before I do. I haven't done any major calculations but I can guess that 3.5 times out of 5, said boy just stands there and stares at me like I just offered to rid his nether regions of important members. If I've got the time I just stand there and stare at him till he just walks through with his head down undoubtedly quietly mourning the loss of his 'manhood'. It's not just with the doors, the very idea of chivalry and its inbuilt notion of female weakness and our need to have everything done for us. Think about it, who else gets treated that way; children, really old people, invalids, the mentally insane...not exactly a who's who list of presidential candidates. Someone once used the stupidest analogy to justify this to me; women are like really expensive glass bowls that should be carefully handled and this proves that we are worth more than men. Hmm, I don't know, would I really want to be a fragile dish dependent on the carefulness, good humour and adoration of my owner for my existence 'cause one day he may just come back angry after getting fired from work, look at me in all my shiny glory-proof that he spent more money than he could afford-and then proceed to toss me across the room as this makes him feel a whole lot better about being powerless at work. Yeah, I'll go with the plastic everday bowl that doesn't have to wait till holidays to get out of the cabinet and may just bounce right back at you and hit you in the head. It's a cycle you see, continue to highlight female weakness and they'll probably treat you like a queen or whatever for a bit but the moment it all goes south...
Again, if we all had to choose between domestic violence and all I've just gone on about and saying 'a man should never hit a woman' will really rid us of men beating women(should specify because domestic abuse swings both ways, just one way alot more than the other) then of course the former should be all I care about. But it's really not as black and white as all that.
Needless to say, I will be lazy now.

I love dancing, make it choreographed or a specific kind of dance and I will suck though I still want to ballroom dance, but let me go and make the music good and I may just go a bit gaga. Keep your feet away!